hold on..........to what?

The truth about me............this is definitely my confession to myself......and maybe those whom might be interested in reading this.So really what am I all about? i thought i did'nt have a clue, but as the days go by things are as clear as a smoke screen. Does ever1 reach a state of nothingness? or is it just me. i have suddenly developed this great talent for hurting people. Being mean an critical is just a second nature to me, though i do like to help people alot but its not really got me newhere. there is no1 i want to call a friend, and i want to be shnned by family......the fact that i hurt them so i think its best that i moved out from their lives. At 21 i have never had a relationship to call my own. never been out with some1. i am the classic case of 'never been kissed'.....sometimes i feel this is the way i want my life reallly to be, unattached to ne1 it just seems perfect and makes alot of sense, but i don't want to do it the classic indian way of giving up everything and taking a sanyaas i don't think that is right. i just want to live life on my terms, if there is only 1 life i have to live then why is it so hard to just exist without being part of anyone's life. hell i don't want anyone in my life, i am happier living with animals and least they are striaght up with you, a dog does'nt like u he growls and bites, not smile and say hi and as soon as u turn tells the next what a bitch u are. sure i have done it too, i won't lie. the point is if there where no1 in my life i wudn't ever have to be in that situation.
how is it that the people u think about the most are the ones who probably don't even really give a shit about you? why are they so important in your life? why can't you just get rid off them from your mind? i swear i want my first crush out of my head, the boy i grew up with in school and shared all my highs and lows with.......who now is tooo cool to associate himself with me......the girl who was loved by ever1 the teachers to the students and the boys.
why is it that since i left the town i grew up in ever1 from there wants to be my online friend. i mean i went to school for 2 years with boys who never acknowledged my presence and now want to know' wats up babes?' ..........honestly shud i be the bitch and pretend and say i am sorry but i don't know you......
Life is sad because since i discovered the internet all i really have is a virtual life.........friends from alll over the country ........but if i have to meet them and make them a part of m reality could i count on them????? why do i have to be given the opportunity only to face more uncertainity.
why is it that the one thing i loved about my life which was life support is the one thing that i pay the least attention to? the fact that i am throwing away my life and that i can see these days go by in slow motion almost makes me feel like i am dying slowly but surely.
wasn't it enough that i failed my 12th exams resat and got a chance to start from scratch......and now i am at the same point. the freedom of living away from family finally got to me. i remained role model child only for 2 yrs of my 4 yrs of colg and the last year and the reamaining of this and the next to come feels like it just want pass if i don't smoke and drink everyday..........and weed is the weekend bonus.

so in the end all i ask is why is that i am nice to every bugger in the world except to the people who actually give a shit about me.......FAMILY



every waking moment of my life all i really think about is death.....will my life always be this terrible......or will i be able to overcome all my problems and actually live a life not a pathetic excuse for a life that i have now........will my heart completely perish and will there only be vaccum left......or will it beat again...........stay tuned for more misry.
i think i got down all i wanted to say today.


P.S.- i am not your agony aunt people.......ur love life doesn't interest me and is not my problem........kill each other as far as i am concerned